What you think you want is actually a distraction from getting what you need

Photo by Nick Kenrick (CC BY 2.0)

What if every day of your life was a treasure hunt?

What would you be searching for?  Money?  Connections?  Pleasure? Relief? Love?  Beauty? Those are just a few ideas, but we are all wired to think of “treasure” as something worth getting and that something is different for everyone.  But it is a set up isn’t it?  Because if we have defined success, or getting the treasure, as something, like feeling happy for example, then what happens when we have a day that is full of grief?  I mean, life happens right?  So does that day of grief get labeled as a “bad” day in our minds?  Often, it does.  And we are socially conditioned to do this, to label our day as a “good” day or a “bad” day.  And let’s be honest, but isn’t a “good” day just a day that happens to go our way?

How about just experiencing whatever day we are having and letting go of the label of good or bad?
What if, every single day, no matter what is happening, is a treasure hunt, and that treasure is simply, peace.  In other words, how can we find the peace in every day?

Being at peace with what is happening does not mean we are passive about things that upset us or need changing.
It does mean being at peace with our own response to that particular day.  If there is something upsetting in the news for you that day, then there is a choice.  You can think its “bad” and therefore you will have a “bad” day, or you can accept what you are feeling (not so much thinking) and use it to get to know yourself more deeply, and build compassion for yourself.  What are you feeling when you are upset by the news?  Sadness?  Disappointment?  Anger?  And then under the anger, is it fear?  Powerlessness?

Empathy builds when we acknowledge the feeling that is present without judging it as bad or wrong or trying to fix or solve it.

First we allow the feeling to be present and recognize that it’s likely pretty normal to have such a response.  Next we can ask ourselves the question, “what do I need today?”

Here are some ideas to help you find your way.

1. Pause.
   Ok, push the pause button on yourself.  We can push pause when we are getting irritated rather quickly, feeling or being “snappy”, in resistance to going somewhere or doing something, feeling “tense”, or even and especially when we are rushing.
2. Observe.
   Just take a moment, it doesn’t have to be very long – a few minutes.  And observe yourself.  What do you notice?  How is your body feeling?  Are you tense?  Or relaxed?  When you bring your attention to your feelings what do you notice?  Are you able to identify your feelings?
3. Put your hand on your heart.
   This simple gesture can be helpful in bringing you more in touch with your feelings.  We are so good at denying our feelings and continuing on in spite of them, but sometimes we need to stop and listen to how we are doing.  By placing your hand on your physical heart we can tune in more deeply to our emotional heart and what lies within it.
4. Be curious.
   It is important to take this time for yourself.  You are not being selfish and you should not feel guilty for taking the time.  It is essential to know yourself and taking the time with yourself is how you build self-awareness. Being selfish is when we don’t practice self-awareness and then we inherently ask others to take the burden of our feelings through our acting out.  When we become self-aware of our own feeling state, then we have a choice for how to behave in response to it.
5. Express yourself in private (first).
   Stuff comes up in relationships right?  But most of the time it can be more helpful to say what you feel in private before bringing upset feelings to another.  This gives you a chance for self-empathy and takes the burden off the other person to really hear you (even if you think this is the issue!).  Giving yourself permission to express yourself, uncensored, is liberating and cathartic for feelings.  It can also bring us to deeper understanding of what is really going on for us.  So write in a journal or talk out loud in a setting that is private.
6. Identify needs.
   Once we are connected to our feelings, we are more likely to connect to our need.  If you feel powerless, perhaps you have a need for action.  If you feel angry, you may have a need for boundaries.  If you feel sad, perhaps you need quiet time, or connection with a loved one.  When we can identify the need then we are empowered to meet our own needs and make clear requests in relationships for our needs.
7. Let go of pressure.
   We are so good at being hard on ourselves.  We can pressure ourselves to be smarter, to be richer, to be thinner, to be faster, to be more successful, and on and on. It can be a never ending barrage of internal bullying.  Consider that you are doing just fine.  In fact you are doing your best with what you have.  Let go of pressuring yourself to perform and meet the ideal.  When we can let that go, we are in a position to really listen to ourselves and be guided from a more authentic place within.  This is not a race.  It is a journey.  And it’s your journey.
   
8. And finally.
   Where is your treasure in all of this?  Is it in slowing down like you’ve been wanting to do?  Is it in finally having a good, cleansing cry and getting to the other side of your grief?  Is it the feeling of empowerment when you realize you can set a boundary and you will (and then you do)? Is it in that quiet moment after you stopped rushing that you noticed something beautiful?  Or when you felt more connected to yourself?  Your partner?  Your children?  

It could be the guidance you received from your self investigation, leading you in a new and enlivening direction.  Or it could be the simple awareness that something does need to change, even if you don’t know what that is just yet.  The good news is you are listening now, and not leaving yourself behind in your efforts to attain some idea of success (more money, cleaner fancier house) or someone else’s expectations of you.  You are living your life and letting that deepen into something more enriching than before because every part of you matters and exists for a reason.  Even the tired and irritable part. We need only be willing to listen and hear the underlying message.

Life becomes more complex and stressful when we don’t allow ourselves expression to be the full spectrum of who we are as human beings.

We simply cannot afford the luxury of suppression any longer.  This doesn’t mean we can explode with abandon.  In fact, emotional explosions tend to be the result of long term suppression.

It does mean we take stock on a daily basis, and work to surrender our agenda for our lives, or the day, and open up to the bigger picture of who we are and what life might have planned for us.

It’s not easy.  But it can be magical to set aside all the ways we attempt to control ourselves and our day to day.  What happens then?  Well, go ahead and see.  And share with me about it, if you want, in the comments.